Two people who were very close to me once told me, that you can love someone even if you don’t love yourself. – Is that true? Is that possible?
Well, if I want to give or give something to someone, then it has to be mine first, doesn’t it? – So how can I give something that I do not have myself?
If I want to give someone water to drink, I should at least have some with me. But when I’m dying of thirst myself and only have a sip of water left, there’s no point in giving someone else the water, one of you will definitely die of thirst. It is similar with our relationships. How can I love someone if I have no love for myself? – Would I want to get to know and love myself if I met myself? Or do I insult and condemn myself, devalue myself and accuse myself again and again?
Unfortunately, we often do this, namely when we are dissatisfied with ourselves or when our beloved have “triggered” us by reminding us of a long forgotten situation through an act or statement. For example, a behavior of your mother, who has insulted you and made you small and has forbidden you to speak, has thrown at you that you are lazy or stupid or naughty. If a similar comment, a hint or a certain voice comes from your partner, we immediately feel like we are being taken back as a child and react accordingly hurt, angry or sad. These wounds are often not healed and we look for the love our parents missed in the outside, in our partner. If we don’t take a closer look at these childhood wounds and triggers and heal them, and learn how important it is now to take this into our own hands and give this love to ourselves, your partner can endlessly love you and do everything for you, but it will never be enough – because YOU are not enough and do not love and accept you as you are. And you yourself will have the feeling that it will never be enough!
Where will the healing and love come from that you cannot feel or are not? Because that is you, pure love and came into this world out of love!
Be the Source
To come back to our water example – If you realize that you can only give water (love), if you have any (self-love) then look for the source!
The source of love is God, who has given us everything and gives it to everyone, unconditionally. Because God is love. It helps to go into silence, preferably in nature, in the forest, where everything is full of the fullness and love of God. Connect with nature and with your heart, come into the present moment, into the here and now and perceive your senses. Take in all the gifts that are around you and within you – the fresh scent of the forest, the birds around you singing their song, listen and rejoice in their song. Notice the fruits and berries that are growing everywhere and taste delicious. Blackberries, mushrooms, nuts and much more is given to us by Mother Nature. Have you ever caress a moss bed or touched the leaves on the ground? – In this way you can consciously become aware of what you smell, hear, see, taste and feel.
Now connect consciously with the source from which all these beautiful phenomena have arisen. And perhaps you can then realize that you are not only a part of this creation, but a part of the whole, that you yourself are God, the Source or the Divine.
You can consciously decide to become your own source and to perceive and love yourself and your talents and abilities and creative power and then let them become a part of others in fullness.
How? A Well is a part of a water cycle. A resource that is already there and has always been there, it becomes a creek then a river then a stream before it ends in the ocean and becomes the ocean itself, namely with all One. This is love, – surrender to the course of things, perceive and accept what is. Making you aware again and again that you are the source and the sea, lovers and beloved.
Where the Well has dried up and there is no water, dryness and chaos, just no love for yourself, no love and fertility (fruits) can arise. If you always look for this water of love only in the outside and hope that at some point the “right” thing for you will be there, you will die of emotional thirst. Nobody can do that for you. However, your partner who “triggers” you can be the chance to look at these triggers, to recognize them and possibly heal them together through your love for each other. Because no human being has no love for himself. There are always beautiful moments in which we are totally connected with love. Moments that we usually experience and experience with the “beloved”. A relationship is always a perfect opportunity to see these pain spots at all. When we are alone we are only triggered by our parents (who were often the source trigger). Look at your partner with gratitude that he holds a mirror in front of your face and you can see your “monsters” (themes, dreams and pain). But also your beauty and Values. Distinguish that it is not him/her who is the root of these themes, but yourself or your (childhood/life) experiences.
Become the Well by recognizing the dryness and lack of love caused by past traumatic experiences and helplessness as a child and therefore young “plant”. Take care of yourself now.
Nourish and take care for what you are and by recognizing what is now reality, what is inside you, what gives you joy and what you perceive with your senses and the many things you have just been given as talents in this life. Recognize old wounds in the form of destructive thoughts that you think about yourself or pain that you feel when your partner triggers you again. Don’t get stuck in this process and don’t be afraid to accept help from outside.
Become the Well by giving what you want. If you want appreciation, give appreciation. If you want gratitude, be grateful; if you want love, give love. If you want to be given – give.
All this can only exist when you are yourself –
Be aware – YOU are the source
You are love.
I would like to close with an excerpt from my current favorite book – “The Tantric Quest“ – by Daniel Odier:
“Devi, the teacher says to her student Daniel:
“Do you think there’s a fundamental difference between you and me?”
“Yes, you are a master.”
“When you greet me, do not bow before someone who may be what you are not. Even if Shiva were standing there in front of you, never bow before something distant and unattainable; on the contrary, bow before that which links us and which makes us fundamentally alike, which makes Shiva and his companion, Bhairavi, fundamentally no different from you and me. When you bow, bow deeply before the divine which is in ourselves and in this moment, before the divine which has never been separate from us, before the divine which is not found anywhere other than in ourselves,….
“Shiva is inconceivable, unattainable, and yet it is impossible to distance yourself from him, because fundamentally you are Shiva. You greet me, you greet the divine which links us like the ground on which we both walk, like the sky in which our gaze gets lost.”
In love, Manu